Man's Best Friend
I never cared much
for the taste of ketchup. Perhaps it’s the texture or that tomatoes remind me
of fruit. I can’t stand fruit. Unfortunately, I had to bare this horrid
condiment just once so I could recover what I lost, or what I thought was lost.
Something so simple that in the past I did not notice it was there until it was
gone, and I pined for it. This thing, the greatest thing, was my best friend,
and master’s, affectionate love for me. For it was Col. Gregory P. Collins II’s
love that made my every day whole, every hour new, and every second something
to live for. It was his, and I had it all. I couldn't believe that I wasn't all
he wanted. How could he want more than his faithful, well-bred, and obedient
canine companion, Holly Collins, the finest Irish Setter in the entire county?
You may think it
silly, being a human, that a canine should love her master as dearly as I. Take
into consideration that if you spent the best part of two years with a
charmingly handsome, and kind, retired British officer of the royal air force
then you would fall in love as well as I did. I suppose she felt the same way.
Miss Faith Hanna Eason, a native of America, and owner of the smallest book
shop in our little town. I was there when it started; sitting in our little
convertible, feeling the breeze on my wet nose and flowing through my freshly
trimmed mahogany hair. She seemed plain in my opinion, with a short brown bob
of hair, thick glasses, and in her early 30’s. Then again, who am I to judge on
how humans should or shouldn't look? I’m just an Irish Setter.
It seemed like they
were talking for hours. I thought at the time, how can one talk about books for
so long? My thoughts were interrupted by our mail boy, Dustin. He’s a cute
whelp of a boy with unkempt, ash blond hair and a charismatic flair about him.
He asked where the Colonel was and I yelped disapprovingly towards Miss Eason’s
shop. “Aye, Miss Eason chatting about her books again I see. She does the same
to me mum, don’t be so downhearted ole
girl.” If only Dustin’s words were as true as they were soothing at the
time.
The Colonel and Miss
Faith were not only talking about books, but the prospect of reading books
together; at the same park, sitting on the same bench, beside each other. This
is where we ended up the next day. What was a regular outing of my daily walk
became a reading date for them. I sat beside the bench scratching at a rather
irritating itch under my collar. The collar my master bestowed upon me is of
the finest leather, studded with diamonds, and attached is a silver trinket
with my identification. I am very proud of this and was reminded that I am
still number one in the Colonel’s heart. That was until I heard the
disheartening sound of the cheerful laughter produced from their mouths, and
saw the slow reach towards each other’s hands. It was then that I knew I must
be rid of her. They were falling in love, and I was falling faster into
jealousy.
Over the course of
the next two weeks they courted, sometimes with me and sometimes without. When
I happened to be included I went out of my way to ensure it was an unhappy
outing. I have shoved ice cream in her face, only to see it being wiped away
with a handkerchief and a sweet kiss. Then I resorted to tying her up in my
leash, but she fell into my masters strong arms and they proceeded to become
ever closer to each other. My last scheme was to shove her into a rather
tempting pond. I did not consider the Colonel’s arm wrapped about her own, for
with one great push we all ended up in the cold, muddy water. While soaked, and
laughing, the two of them remained in the pond. I on the other hand was on
land, hunched over with only my thoughts for comfort. Nothing was making this
woman leave.
Soon she was moving
in, and with her the most disturbing set of rodents I have ever seen. Their
names were Percy and Gertrude, and they are twin ferrets. Percy has an oddly
crooked tail, while Gertrude is missing her left ear. Those are the only things
you can identify to tell them apart. To say the least we did not get along.
They hop about on everything and I deemed them inferior and potentially harmful
to my plans of being rid of their mistress and them.
As I was about to
release Gertrude into the toilet, Faith walked in to see me committing the
crime. So, I was sent outside to a rather shabby dog house that has been
without use for a year. I feel that I have failed as I peer into the window I
see two familiar silhouettes in an embrace over their recent engagement. There
will be no more runs along the beach, sharing a bench seat, nor licking his
hand followed by a pat on the head, and now he will have someone else to talk
to softly in the late hours of the night. I walk hopelessly to my water bowl
and as I slurp up the last of my water it hits me - the perfect plan.
The next day, after
the happy couple left, I went to the only window that was ajar and caught the
attention of Percy and Gertrude. I get them to agree that they do not like me
and I do not care much for them either. Also, they agreed that in order for us
to never see each other again we must separate our owners. Then I proposed my
plan. I was let into the house, where the ketchup is stored.
When they returned
home I was more than pleased by their horrified expressions. The house was
destroyed. The only evidence that it wasn't due to robbers was that there were
no doors or windows broken into, my paw prints were scattered everywhere, and I
was sitting in the front room looking cheery. And where were my cohorts? Percy
and Gertrude lay on the floor of the guest bathroom covered in the red
substance presumed to be blood. But since I do not care much for killing
creatures let alone biting them, it is ketchup that I substituted for blood
which is on me and in my mouth. Yuck! Faith wept over her twin rodents,
collected her things, and left.
I won. She was gone,
but something was wrong. Although a week had passed, the Colonel seemed overly
depressed. Winning isn't all it’s cracked up to be, as they say. I still don’t
have his love. Maybe if I just enjoyed the time I spent with Faith and the
Colonel, instead of being miserable and acting nasty, then he would still be
happy and love her. Now he does not want to give love to anyone.
Then I smelled
something familiar. I went to the door, and there came a knock. It was her,
Faith. While she and the Colonel talked I overheard them. It seems that Faith
took her pesky pets to a veterinary hospital that night and the doctor said
they were fine, and as for the blood it was decidedly ketchup. She was angry
that I had destroyed the house and potentially hurt her ferrets, as if. I
decided it took a lot of courage to finally come back and try to patch things
up with the Colonel. So I decided to muster up some courage of my own and
walked into the room, placed my head on her knee while she proceeded to pet me
for the first time. This is forgiveness and I liked it.
After many apologies,
and make up kisses, the Colonel and the newly Mrs. Collins were happily
married. As for me, I gave up jealousy, decided it was too human for a highly
advanced species like me, and gave into the idea of having new family members
which I learn to love more and more each day. For when love is lost, it is
gained elsewhere. Even dogs know that. Besides, Faith has a human pup on the
way. We are going to be best friends. I wonder if he or she will like ketchup.
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